I will not provide medical proof - only my beliefs and experiences I’ve lived through.
The mirror reflects someone else. What day is it? Did I eat today? When was the last time I called my parents to catch up? The weight of an iron log presses down on my body, keeping me in bed for what feels like an eternity, doom-scrolling through endless content without even noticing what I’m watching. It could be the same as hallucinating colors and fireworks, as only the strongest flashes of light can break through this thick fog. Everything feels sore, heavy - emotionally and physically - but I’m not sick. Or am I? I’m hungry, but no food seems right. I don’t care what I wear, as long as it’s comfortable. My hair is always in a messy bun, and I’ve forgotten how long it actually is. My skin feels like it’s been brushed through a nettle field. The look in my eyes is void of color, emotion, or any sense of life. I’ve lost my Spark. Am I sad? Angry? Today should have been filled with joy and celebration, but I can’t even remember how to feel that way. I can only remember how to act it out. I’m exhausted - mentally and physically - even though all I’ve done is lie in bed during my free time.
Do you experience some variation of these hellish cycles? Well, you’re not alone. I am right here with you. Some call it depression. Sometimes it’s medical, sometimes psychological, and sometimes it’s caused by the wrong relationship pulling too much negativity out of you. In my life, I strongly believe that many illnesses can be stress-induced. Whether it’s stress at work, with family, or in relationships - everything counts. Our lives will always contain some level of stress, but chronic stress can lead to exhaustion, making us sick - sometimes even triggering autoimmune issues. And it can start from a young age. What gets us is the slow buildup - like boiling a frog in water that’s gradually heated until it’s too late. Over the years, we end up like that frog - unaware of the heat until we’re already boiled out of life in it.
Although I can only speak from my own experience and what’s helped me, I promise you - there is hope. As pessimistic as it might sound, everything can be reversed with a bit of randomness. You may need to find your own version of what worked for me, but if I could get through it, so can you.
I spent more than 10 years trying to fix myself. I got into a healthy relationship, built a peaceful home, and found a partner - my husband now - who helped me deal with my thoughts, correcting and rewiring them. But the breakthrough came almost overnight after the most random incident. I’m not sure if I could have done it alone, but there were some things that helped along the way. One of the hardest steps was overcoming the need to care about outside opinions that don’t reflect the real me. What I look like, what I wear, what I do, and the career I choose - those things are mine to decide, based purely on my instincts.
At first, I was afraid. Every intuitive decision I made felt wrong - like I was on the wrong path. But as I kept trusting my instincts, I started noticing positive outcomes. Things turned out better than I expected, much better than anyone else had predicted. Trusting my gut became second nature over the years, leading me to believe that everything would work out the way the universe intended - perfectly.
But that didn’t mean my struggles were over. My overthinking, anxiety, chronic depression, and poor relationship choices didn’t magically disappear. I tried everything - healthy eating, yoga, meditation, keto diet, exercise - yet I was still the same me, battling my inner demons and feeling spark less. Maybe I didn’t try enough, maybe I was too lazy, but none of those things worked.
Years passed, and still, nothing changed. Until one day, with no particular reason, I suffered from coffee/caffeine poisoning. My blood pressure spiked, I felt sick, my head hurt, I was dizzy, almost fainting. I still had to drive several hundred kilometers to get to work. After a few rest stops, I made it to my destination, but I couldn’t drink coffee for a whole month. No tea could match the taste I craved - the sour and bitter combo I had grown addicted to.
But then, something incredible happened. By the end of the month, I started feeling better - mentally and physically. Can you believe it? At first, I didn’t. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. My mind became peaceful, my anxiety disappeared, and only two out of ten mental channels remained: one automatic background hum, and the other where I talk to myself inside my head. My stomach was no longer upset, no more reflux, no more brain fog. I was shocked.
It took just a few weeks without coffee to realize how bad it was for me. It wasn’t even the caffeine - because I can drink green tea or energy drinks, which should contain much more caffeine. It was the coffee itself. Who would have thought? It was the one little thing - coffee - that was holding me back and dehydrating me to a cured ham.
As the days passed, I regained my sanity. I became calmer, happier, and my sleep improved to a quality I had never experienced before. With coffee being so popular and consumed by millions, I now wonder how many others are suffering without knowing, just like I was. Two, three, five, sometimes I lost count of all the cups of coffee I drank during the day and unfortunately, drank much less water.
It might be that something so small is the root cause of your own imbalances and struggles with mental health. If something as common and beloved as coffee was the reason for me, imagine how many other possibilities there are for others, for you. I’m saddened that I had to quit coffee - it was my little comfort during even the darkest days. But it seems that sometimes, we don’t need grand changes, like waking up at 5 AM, drinking green smoothies, or hitting the gym. If you’re not made for that, pushing yourself into something that doesn’t fit will only make things worse - at least it did for me.
I hope you’ll try to find that small thing in your life, something that might be affecting your well-being in ways you don’t even realize. If I could find my way out of it, so can you.